My PPD started shortly after I found out I was pregnant with my second. The feelings that fluttered through of how lonely I felt during and after my first pregnancy. Truthfully, It didn’t make me feel completely happy. See, I am married to a very hardworking and self-driven entrepreneur and if you are like me, you understand the time and dedication that title requires. So, a lot of the time when I need Hubby the most he can’t always be there. After a while, you start to feel like you’re not important enough, because in MY head work is his number one.
It’s frustrating. The amount of time his work takes from his family. Yet, despite how that makes me feel. I remain appreciative and supportive, because I know he is doing what he needs to do to provide for his family. It just really comes down to finding balance and prioritizing time, which is still a work in progress.
ANYWAYS.
Back to the loneliness. That will get you A LOT in so many different ways throughout Motherhood. And as a stay at home Mom, like myself it consumed my mind and entire being. I felt point blank lonely. Even though I had my daughter and we would always spend time together venturing out to places. I was lacking that experiential and emotional intimacy from my Husband. So when I found out I was pregnant with my second, I was honestly torn. Happy that my daughter would have a life-long playmate, but almost angry, because here we go, single Mama of two.
Not literally, but you get it. That’s when my PPD began. A few months in when I started showing it was like bam! Yep I’m pregnant. Yep this is real. Not much has changed. Yep yada yada. You know how women get when they’re upset. Bullet points for days!
Fast forward to one month postpartum. Lord, My Mommyhood was tested big time! I met my match…COLIC. The endless months of trying to figure out this unknown territory of Babyhood. It completely broke me. I can’t count how many times I failed as a Mom. I truly felt like I didn’t know what in the world I was doing. Like I really didn’t. My first was so easy you guys. Like amazingly easy. I feel like God said “…you need to be challenged”, because that was exactly that! Into war with no direction, to be drowned alive in baby tears.
In those moments though of trying to figure it all out, catering continuously and tirelessly. Being so emotionally, physically, and mentally driven, to taking care of not one, but two little beings who need you, yet feeling so helpless at the same time. To then have questioning thoughts of “Am I really cut out for this?” “Am I even a good Mom?” Yea. That right there. That hits hard. Especially for me.
My childhood with my Mom wasn’t the greatest. When I was around 11, she became very abusive with me. Sadly, a lot of that stemmed from the toxic relationship my parents had, so I basically became my mother’s punching bag. At 14, my Mom would abandoned me and my two younger siblings quite often. Once divorced, her then boyfriend became more important and constantly put first before her kids. By the time I was 16, my Mom was pretty much non-existent. A lot more to that story, but bottom line I told myself, “I would never be like her when I become a mom.”
So having gone into that mindset of questioning my Motherhood. That became a constant battle of “No I am not my Mother!” “No I will not be like her!” “I could never leave my girls!” “I could never hurt them!” The list could go on! It resulted in me just feeling so angry and frustrated. Over a year and a half and still battling all of this. Feeling SO alone and overwhelmed. To then have someone, a mother herself, try and attack my motherhood. You guys, this is just how the devil works. Pure disgust!
The emotions that ate me alive. The feeling of despair. The loneliness. When I felt like I couldn’t do it. Like the entire world was on my shoulders. The complete numbness. As much as I absolutely love being a mom and the love I have for those two beautiful girls is endless. I had truly lost Krystle. I lost the positive, outgoing, and smiley person I was. I had lost all motivation of who I am. It was like I died inside. I can’t tell you how many ugly tears I have cried. The scary thoughts that consumed me, but all I know is that I survived. I’m still here and I am reclaiming my mind!
So let me tell you. If you are battling postpartum depression. Understand that you are NOT alone. Whatever YOUR triggers to PPD may be. Know that your feelings and the daily emotions you go through are VALID. Whatever negative thoughts you may feel. Remember that you absolutely got this and you ARE amazing no matter what!
I love you all so much! Mom or not, if you read this today thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’re amazing! Abrazos y Besos ♡
Blissful Burgos 